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| Source: imdb.com |
Yesterday I took my god-daughter to watch the new Natalie Portman/Ashton Kutcher romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. While it's pretty predictable, it's also fairly sweet, charmingly funny, and a nice change of pace. The role reversal trend of men wanting a relationship while women try to keep it casual is gaining ground with movies like this and Love & Other Drugs. For me, the twist is a small breath of fresh air in a formulaic and stagnant genre. Regardless of the reviews, I have a feeling this will be a fairly popular movie, not because of the actors or the writing, but because everyone can relate to the eternal questions that are at the core of the story; can a guy and a girl ever JUST be friends and do friends with benefits situations EVER work out? It was a little strange to have my 17 year old cousin ask me about guys and girls being best friends and if I didn't know her so well I'd be concerned. I told her yes, but it takes time, honesty, and certain conditions. It's something I've tried more times than I can count but has rarely worked.
The most important condition to success (in my opinion is also the most difficult to overcome - attraction. If we're being honest, there is ALWAYS a trace of attraction when members of the opposite sex start spending time with each other. Think about it - when you're out with your friends, the first thing you notice about someone else is how they look. You can learn to like them for their personality and everything else once you've figured out what they are, but what pushes you to talk to them 95% of the time is looks. Of course once they open their mouth and start talking, things can change drastically.
If you can make it past attraction then I find the rest is easy because it's like any of your other friendships. You find common points of interest, make concessions about the things you disagree on, and become a part of each other's lives. For me it's like having another brother but being closer because there are some things I talk to my friends about that I would never tell my family. It's an amazing thing to have platonic guy friends that you can trust to take care of you without any hidden agendas, even though sometimes the trade off means you learn things about them that you never wanted to know.
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| Source: vi.sualize.us |
If you can't get past attraction, then you have two options - see where it takes you (as long as neither of you are involved with someone else) or settle for being 'party pals' who don't spend much one-on-one time together. From what I've seen, people are more successful at the second option and those that go through door #1 fail 95% of the time because things just get too weird post hook up (if it even happens). The 5% that are successful at navigating around the awkwardness have the following in common:
1) The are brutally honest with each other. If it really is just a fun fling then do you really have to worry about hiding the truth? If you honestly would never actually date each other then there shouldn't be anything wrong with saying it out loud and having a laugh about it. It is vitally important to know where you stand with each other at all times.
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| Source: Zedomax.com |
2) They recognize that this deal is extremely time sensitive. The more time you spend together, the more likely someone might start feeling something that will complicate matters. I don't know anyone who's lasted more than 2-3 months and still managed to be friends afterwards.
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| Source: MySpace |
3) They don't talk about it to everyone! Aside from your closest friends (this number varies depending on how long you've been friends and whether or not they're all part of the same group), you really shouldn't be telling other people about what's going on behind closed doors. When a relationship is purely physical between friends, everyone has an opinion and will share it. This is what leads to confusion - if you hear the same opinion from enough people (i.e. you like him but are in denial), it's bound to play with your mind and make you question both of your feelings and motives.
One thing I have to stress at this point is that all of this is based on my experiences and observations and should be taken lightly. At the end of the day, it's your choice to take that chance and your reactions that will determine the outcome.
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